PROLOGUE The cottage of the holiday home, which he had hired stood on a plateau,isolated among the pine trees, in the realm of scenic beauty and I lay there inside waiting for him. The breeze that fluttered the thin white curtains , brought the icy chill from the snow covered mountains which I could see from the window. I pulled the duvet tightly over my bare body. I had goose bumps not only by the gentle touch of the breeze but also by the mere thought of his touch. It had been so long, almost a month that I had so eagerly waited for this moment- my secret rendezvous with him. In my restless mind conflicting emotions whirled around the thoughts- craving for the forbidden fruit and penance for breaking the vows. “ See you in the morning then.” I heard him dispose off the housekeeper. “ So finally!!”, he exclaimed in jubilation as he prepared to join me on the bed after bolting the door behind. We lay side by side, mute anticipation engulfing obvious discomfiture quietly for a while. And then I sensed him trying to pull the duvet over me down. “ Don’t , please.”I tried to desist him by firmly holding the duvet. “ please” I requested. “ I want to see you naked.” , he said smiling mischievously, at the same time exerting gentle pulls at the duvet which posed a barrier. Abashed and yielding to his stubbornness, I ventured on a strategy to put a brake on his advance, hoping that it would perhaps lead him to abandon whatever scheme he had perhaps conjured up his nefarious mind. Demurely I said,” I have a question for you.” “ Go on” he said looking at me, with a twinkle in his eyes, bemused. “ Why are you so bent on seeing me in the nude?And for that matter do we essentially have to remove our clothes to make love?” I asked grinning, casting away my shyness a little more. I could never imagine that the words did actually come out of my mouth. I must have blushed crimson with embarrassment. “ To maximize my titillation.”, he replied unpretentiously and drew me close in his embrace. We both laughed. “ I know it’s a silly question,” I kept watching him ,” but I also know you will come up with an intelligent answer.” “ It has its own charm and innocence.Making love in nakedness is accepting the person without a disguise,” he added .”Often we fool the world around by disguising our soul.Making Love is when you are accepting a person with his bare soul, bare self, and also when you lay yourself and your soul bare in front of him, when you strip off pretence, when the nakedness of your soul is accepted by each other. Then you can love and then you enjoy making love .The barriers of fear , shame and pretence is automatically cast away. With others we disguise ourselves, not revealing what we really are. That is why the bond of love is so strong because you were accepted for what you really are and you accept your lover’s real self, naked self …………….and we two became one. CHAPTER ONE Government hospital Pune;.7 years ago I walked through the crowded lobby of my hospital heading towards the Gynecology ward which was situated at the far end of the lobby on the first floor. The right side of the wing on the first floor belonged to the Obstetrics and Gynecology Department. I knew the path too well now. Since last three years I had traversed it every day. Even with eyes cast down , unwilling to look at the many faces that strode through the corridors, I could find my way to the ward.I had to know if the patients’ work up was done before we took them for surgery tomorrow. It was my responsibility as the lecturer of unit 6. I entered the ward ; it had 30 beds and was shared by 6 units of the Obstetrics and Gynecology department. The last row of beds on the rights side of the ward belonged to unit 6. I saw my houseman Dr.Rahul taking notes near one bed. .( the first year resident doctors enrolled for post graduation are known as housemen and are assigned various minor duties right from collection of blood , tracing blood reports, monitoring vitals etc) I seated myself on the chair near the desk. The admitted patient’s files were neatly piled up on the desk. I pulled out files that read ‘ unit 6’ in bold. . One particular file , which lay incomplete aroused my temper and I yelled, “ Nurse” Petrified, the nurse came running from the nurse’s station , a room adjacent to the ward. By this time Rahul, who also reached my desk,, looked anxiously at me as if to wonder what new mistake was committed. ‘ Where are the reports of bed no. 9? Don’t you know she is posted for hysterectomy tomorrow?” “ I wasn’t aware ma’am. We were not notified.” She said trembling while she exchanged a moment’s glance with Rahul. Furious ,I glared at Rahul . “How could you do that? You good for nothing! You haven’t done her work up yet.. Her lab reports, X-Ray,ECG, nothing is ready. You haven’t arranged her blood ,nor have you bothered to show her to an anesthetist nor a physician for her fitness for tomorrow’s surgery. And now due to your lethargic behavior we will be forced to call off her surgery. Where did you get your M.B.B.S from you idiot?” I screamed. In the silence that ensued ,even a dropping pin would have been heard. The patients in the ward, nurses, the other resident doctors from different units watched with curiosity as the whole played out before them. Rahul tried to to feebly mutter something but he could not muster the courage to speak out. “I am really sorry ma’am.” Rahul finally spoke, trembling like a leaf. His skin had turned a shade pale and he was on the verge of tears. Everyone including the patients, for that matter the woman whose surgery was to be postponed looked at him with empathy. His tearful, frightened face, gave me a sadistic high. I didn’t care. I liked it that way. No mistake was tolerable in my profession, in my unit. His fear almost brought a smile to my lips. A cold, icy smile.. I thumped the reports in front of him with a bang that startled him out of his fearful trance . Fixing my gaze on him, I viewed him contemptuously, almost as one would view a frog spread-eagle , waiting to be dissected. My icy smile curled into a snarl as I spoke deliberately and with emphasis on every word, “ Dr Rahul you are debarred from coming to the operation theater for a month. You will only do ward work and history taking. Is that clear?”. My word was command and he knew the consequences of disobeying my command. Dr. Rahul swallowed as looked at me with a mix of shock and disbelief .Surgery was all that a doctor dreamt of when he got into surgical branch. The art of incising, dissecting, suturing and the likes and doing the same with precision is what gave an aspiring surgeon a real high. And here I was taking it all away from him in one stroke. ‘ I am sorry ma’am. It won’t happen in future’ , he pleaded , ‘please give me one chance.’ I looked at him coldly, , He could see in my eyes the finality of my “No” Turning on my heels I marched out of the ward gloating with triumph at my “dissection” of the resident doctor. As I rounded the corner, I could hear a nurse sharply hiss behind my back, “Bitch”. A sharp stab of pain, but I didn’t let it take the rush of pleasure that was coursing through my veins. I was used these remarks by now, perhaps even took pride in them. Oh yes I sure was a bitch. A bitch that put people in their place. Anything was better than those intolerable darts that I used to be subjected to before Avni the poor girl, the ‘fatso’, the ugly duck, the fat mare and ……….” Hate is a two way street. I detested almost everyone in the department I knew the resentment was mutual so it was pointless trying to segregate who detested whom most. People had often spoken hateful words to me before. Words, which were like small pointed barbs that would pierce right through ones heart slicing every tissue it touched. The depth of the wound however cannot be gauged by the small incision it leaves on the outside but the bloody fester it leaves within. But that was then. This is now. Hate made me evolve. These words slid off me like water off a ducks back. Solitude and indifference were my armour now. CHAPTER TWO Next day: I changed into the OT ( operation theatre)dress, green trousers and shirt, unlike the ones which the anesthetist wore. Theirs were blue in color. The colors demarcated the specialities clearly. I saw Dr.Shenoy, the head of our unit,my immediate boss as I entered the OT. He was giving out the instructions on today’s operatives – “ Dr. Ananya will do cystectomy and assist the second year residents in the 3 tubal ligations on table 3. I will be performing laparoscopic assisted vaginal hysterectomy on table no. 1. Dr. Pallavi our registrar will assist me. Dr. Avni will perform the hysterectomy for huge fibroid uterus on table no.2. The second registrar Dr. Rakesh will assist her. I hope its clear?” It was going to be a long day today, with six operatives. Our unit would be removing two uteruses today with one uterus spared, thanks to Dr. Rahul. Many women patients were always keen in removing the uterus once its job of reproduction was over. I have always hated this mentality. And in an attempt to make the patients understand, that slight menstrual disturbance is not an indictation for removing uterus, I had more than often lost my temper in the opd (out patient department). Yet today except for some minor operatives we still had 2 hystrectomies in the operative list. The houseman Rahul was no where to be seen. It served him well . Some thought it was too harsh a punishment for him but no one had dared to come up to me and question. Not even Dr.Shenoy. Dr.Shyam Shenoy was a short statured, fair skinned man with a paunch, a fantastic teacher and a skilled obstretician. I revered him for his indepth knowledge. Inspite of spending 3 years in teaching and practicing in government hospital I had still so much to learn. Dr.Shenoy had the innate ability to catch any minute detail, be it a small vessel bleeding during surgery or a step different in your operative notes. Nothing escaped his eyes,so observant he was. I was honoured and privileged to be working with him. He was a subject of envy, in the department, at least with his colleagues. Not only for his knowledge and popularity among the masses but also because he could devote time to his private practice. Coming to think of it , he was in fact lucky to have me under him who was ever ready to shoulder most of his responsibilities and thus allow him to afford time for private practice. I for myself, having nowhere to go, no body to socially interact with, had sufficient time to spare. The relationship was however symbiotic. This in turn earned me enough envy from my colleagues. Finally all the operatives were done successfully and the patients were shifted to the ward.Dr. Ananya would be doing the post operative round today. Having carried out the operations, I had nothing immediate to do with the patients. I decided to indulge myself by having a leisurely cup of tea. But no sooner had I finished only a few sips, when I overheard my colleagues gossiping about me. They sure were unaware I was nearby. “ I wonder why Dr. Shenoy likes her so much. Did you notice, he gave her the difficult hysterectomy to perform even though the patient was mine. I should be operating on her.” I heard a cup bang on the table. “He must have taken a liking for her. Are they going around?”,I heard them giggle. “ Are you crazy? I guess only some idiot will hang around with her” , they laughed.I identified one voice. It was Dr. Ananya,the lecturer in our department. “ Oh come on! She is good with her academics and I must admit she is a good surgeon too.” ‘ No doubt . but have you observed her closely? .She is obese. Her hair is always in a mess. I wonder if she ever combs it. It’s always in a bun. And look at her dress sense, so awful! Not only is she ugly but shabby too!” It was impossible for me to bear this talk anymore. Before my rational mind had any chance to intervene my reflexes took over. Like lightning, I got up from my seat, shouting ,” Shut up you two!” I barged towards their table, glowering at the two ladies. “Mind your business ,will you? ”, I said sternly looking straight at Dr. Ananya’s eyes and walked off, trembling with rage. Their comments were not new, but my reaction certainly was. I had been hearing this for years. I should have been used to it. I should have let it pass. Any other day I certainly would have, but that day was not today. Today something in me snapped. The last proverbial straw on the camels back. All my frustration, my hurt, my anger became one fiery ball of red and burnt my eyes with rage. My pulse was racing, my lips quivered and a cold sweat had broken out on my temples. Without realising it, I had balled my fists and clenched my teeth.! My feet automatically led me to the ward as if out of sheer impulse to seek some confrontation!